BLOGGED BLOGGED BLOGGED!!!!

yup, again, it has almost been a month since I blogged.
Well, I don't really think anybody is anxious to read my blog anyway :)
It has been a busy semester, yet it has been a good one too.

1. I find myself seeking for more working hours than beofre. When I started my job in the office in 2010, I would always tried not to work too many hours, though I was paid for doing more. Don't get me wrong, we needed the money, but somehow, it was not on the top of my list. This year has been different. Yes we can still use more money, but at the same time,there is responsibility that I need to attend to. Truth #1 for Grace: Financial insufficience is not the driven power for humanbeings to work hard but the sense of responsibility.

2. I am also working as a RA this semester. I thought I wouldn't like research, but surprisingly, I am loving every second of it. the goal of our team is to publish one paper before I graduate, and I will be listed as the 3rd auther<3 The first two are for the professors in my department. it has been involving tons of reading, which I havent done any the past weekend... better catch up :)

3. Church!!!!!!!! soo unorganized!! I understand it is a Chinese bible group, so it does make sense to run it in a Chinese manner... but since the big enviornment (America) gives less flexibility to the elements (people) in this group, the very Chinese/ dominant/ demanding methods might not work as well when leaders are trying to organize and administrate the people who are so wrapped in daily American life. Some more preparation time might be good (since everybody is busy with their school and job, advanced notification will probably work better than a week prior to the event.); some more democracy will be awesome!!! Please just quit telling people that they WILL do it. Play more tactfully will probably gain some brownie points in various ways; Talk to others first or even build a "team" for discussion rather than just coming out with what YOU wanna do or that YOU have been touched so WE have to do it.

4. We had our third year anniversary this month too. It was all good. we went out to eat, and were given a fantastic gift by friends. now that perfect gift is sitting pretty on my deck :) happy!

5. We have dicided to prepare for our first baby. So prayers for conception and healthy baby will be deeply appriciated and needed.

6. Recently, there has been ton of people getting sick or having challenges in their life. Friends, let's all try to take good care of ourselves. The body and the health are the treasure God gives to us, please dont take them lightly. Take care of them and love youself more!

7. I made lots of pickeled spicy peppers last saturday. and I made some ultra spicy shui zhu yu last night!! Gee, it was spicy but really really good! Speaking of food, I will be going back to China to visit in 2 months!!!!!!! excited!! of course, if the whole situation about my father stays the same. Uncertainties uncertainties!! gotta love those.

8. I'm supposed to ready 5 chapters today beofore I go to my afternoon class at 1pm. ummm... haven't started yet, and it's 10:47 already. Geeeeeeeeeeee

9. Love you all, study hard and have a great monday <3

A-HA!

It has been ... like 2 months ... almost since my previous post. Yup it has been busy for sure. It feels like that I moved from Spring with a full schedule, to summer with a tight schedule, and all the way straight to the Fall with a fuller and tighter schedule. My instructor from my practicum said she felt tired just by looking at my schedule for this semester, and she was like Grace it is sad, very sad when I told her that I had no idea what I should do during the an hour and fifteen minutes break I have on my tuesdays, since I only have 15 minutes on any other days in the week to move from office to classrooms...I laughed out loud. Oh well, I think it is probably better for me to be busy now, at least, I won't have time to think too much (hopefully).

I had some a-ha moments in the past few months. I realized again that I, and, most likely, everybody, tend to miss the faces they can't see anymore. When they are still around, it is no big deal to not to see them. I know it's all old and cliche, but I do feel sad and guilty that I am so powerless to even change my own attitude. I know I will regret in the future no matter what. I know there will be a soft and hollow part deep down in my heart that is gonna hurt badly.
another one is that I stepped back to the trap I stepped in when I was younger...thought I have learned the lessons...guess people don't get smarter even though they might be approaching 30. I don't know when I will be able to get over it... but sometimes I just need to let it go.
I was manipulated again. that person's agenda never failed to work on me, it is like spell. What the ... yup a gigantic aha moment right there. and you know what, I am done playing with you.
I started my practicum. it has been good. but I was dumb enough to believe that she actually diligently asked for my advice. and I was naive enough to open my mouth... so I ended up getting some dirty stares... oh well, lesson learned... guess the so-called Chinese office politics work everywhere in the world: new bees be dumb( :) got it?)

Alright. The End.

It's A Bad Word

It has been bothering me for quite a long time, and I just have to share it here.

A lady came to me about 2 weeks ago.

she: I heard that your dad has cancer..
me: yes..
she: I heard it is lung cancer...
me: ( signing... )yes, late stage.
she: don't do surgery, don't do chemo either...
me: (feeling very understood...) yes, you are right, and that's what my sister has been suggesting.
she: Grace, if I knew this earlier, I would've shown/ given this to you earlier too...

( while she was talking, she took out a bottle of pills. I thought to myself: awww, they are so nice, everybody is trying to help out or at least giving me some ideas too...)

me: ( very touched...) you don't need to ...

( right before I finished my sentence of appreciation, she said ...)

she: I can sell this to you, and I still have two other bottles at home... If I knew earlier, I could've sold them to you long time ago...
me: (in shock, speechless.)
she: let me know, OK? But they won't be available after the 8th of July.
me: ( pretend to be calm and nod as well; under the breath, I heard myself: what the f***)

Still, right at this moment, I can still feel and hear myself. Seriously? What the F***!!!!!!!!!!!!1

TIME

Suddenly I wanted to blog. Now I'm on the way to St.Louis for a wedding. it has been around 5 hours on the road, and hasn't been as bad as I remembered. Guess overall, this trip might not be as bad as I thought it would.

Two years ago, David and I flew all the way to move our home to this country. Our flight was on the 7th of July. so pretty much, it has been two years since I moved. Two years! Time is very powerful. It changes everything, physically and mentally. I don't think I'm the self I used to be two years ago. Davis has been different, and our marriage surely is not the same anymore----of course, in a good way :) don't worry my friends :) and when i was recalling the memories I have about two years ago, a 15-year-old boy jumped into my head. I got to know him when I was in college. Back then, I always went to a local orphanage after church on Sunday's. He was always there. He was tall, and very dark. Super skinny. After running into him several times, I started to talk to him more. He moved here many years ago after a big flood in china. His mother died in that flood. Now his father had to work at many different jobs to support him and his sister. At that moment, he was enrolled in a CHinese Medicine and Acupuncture Vocational School to get some skills so he can help out. He was so skinny, and so humble when he was telling the story. He was sad too. He said he didn't have anything else to do, so why not come here to be with them...he said: I like children too; they don't have a mother, I don't have one either...
Whenever I think about him, my heart is really empty, and it will start aching. I invited him to go to our Christian retreat together; I got free clothes from my cousin who owned a big brand in China for him... He was always very grateful. I think I probably had my first parental instinct when I was with him. I wanted so bad to take carebof him; I wanted so bad to have a life without the sadness in his heart; I wanted so bad for him to feel that he was well loved by people around him... It was so great to him grow among us.
Later, I graduated. I left the city I went to school with. He was still there. Once a while, he would text me to tell me about his school and his life. Then I changed my phone number couple times, and I gradually forgot about him, and forgot to even transfer his number to my new phones/ numbers. No matter how important it is used to be in your life, trust me, friends, they will fade out throughout time; I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world holding this sort of regret. time can be a powerful instrument used by God; but it seems like most of the time, it has always been used as a weapon by Satan. It comes back out of blue, it will bite you hard on the softest spot in your soul.
I don't know if I am going to resume the contact with him; I know I will constantly think about him once a while... When I feel sad and angry about not keeping him in my life, I will pray to God to take care of him. I will pray that God gives him hope, and God will give him a person who can gradually eliminate the pain in his eyes, and, the most importantly, God has already had him follow the words.

I Have to Wait

Finally, it's the end of June already. This summer flies by crazily fast. I have finished two out of four classes, which made my July seem so easy breezy:) LOve it love it~

my friends C and her husband B went back to visit yesterday, so they baby dog right now is probably weeping in my living room----if she is not having fun chewing my pillows, chairs and sofa...finger crossed! We kept her in the guest bathroom last night. It was heart breaking to see her sad face coming behind that door. Since it's always my husband who chased her there highly against her free will, now she seems to be scared and always tries to hide behind me or a piece of furniture when he is pointing to that scary and dark corner . Her little dog head probably thinks a subject covering her can probably eliminate her existence for a while. Poor dog! So, David and I decided to let her stay in the living room for today, and I will go back to check on her during my one hour lunch break. I was telling myself that she was a trustworty dog, and she has passed the age of chewing random stuff.... Let's hope my assumption is correct.

I realized in just a few days that dogs are very much like a child, they all fall under the category of "the sweet burden". I have been thinking about the small being for a whole morning. When I found out that I actually have an hour break, I was happy and releaved, but still had a thought of "seriously, do I really have to go back in such a hot weather by bus?" we are selfish in a lot of ways, and the best way to monitor the selfishness in our life is to either have a severely illed parent, or a high maintainness pet or a child. I have seen my own selfishness popping out due to the first two circumstances. He knows the best. He surely knows how to shape me and mold me. I have a general idea what the potter's hands are shaping me into, and I'd love to see the results, but if there is a way for me escape the process, I will do whatever I can to make it happen. Yet it won't happen that way. I have so many worldly desires that I want to keep... so many that it hurts when they are ripped off.

This is a season which is supposed to be relaxing, though my heart is very much full and heavy. I don't know what might be like in 40 minutes when I am standing in my living room; I don't know what it'll be like in a month; I really want to know, but the one-computer-screen distance makes every anxiety one person can possibly have very much in vain...

Guess I'll just have to wait.

Shower, ribs and life in general

It's Monday again. In the summer, I go to work at 7:45 am every Monday and Wednesday. I work for 4 hours, then go to class in 15 minutes. School has been going well. D said to me last night that you surely like summer semester, don't you! I guess I really do, not much into the getting-up-in-the-morning part though ...other than that, I think my summer has been great.

I have two courses ending around the 25th of this month, and I have finished all the assignments for the two classes already!! Now, just getting ready for the two midterms and one final by reading and googling. Not bad.

D and I are putting a baby shower together for a friend. We are both very excited. I have already had many crazy and impractical ideas about the party. But we know for sure we are going to make a super duper cute CCC and some yummy awesome DDD, and something else. Sorry for those capitlized letters. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut while I'm revealing my secrets :) If the budget allows, I really want to go to the Party City in Tiger Town for some cool and fun decors. We'll see.

Yesteday, B and C told me about their appointment with a specialist in East Alabama Medical Center for B's ribs. For the record, it was after church. so the whole atmosphere was still pretty biblical. Hearing the situation, I said: awwww... and then the real me kicked in, so I had to be truthful, so I said: ribs... barbecue ribs... Dramatically, an once-a-life-time phenomenon happened: I have never seen B's two eye brows transfer to one whole line so fast, along with super expanded nostrils. It all happened so fast that my American husband only grasped "排骨". He was amused that we were so happy and excited about 排骨, so he chuckled. After the drama, we showed curtesy to each other by waving goodbye peacefully. As usual, our drive home was nice... at least the first third of the road. Then, at the very beginning of the second thirds, D suddenly asked: is rib 排骨 ( he especially made very good up and down on the 骨 part.). I was puzzled and didn't know what that was from (duh!). I said: yeah... then he started laughing : B 的排骨... yeah, like I said before, my husband is a very happy fellow, he can double or tripple the happiniess, so he can chuckle all the time :) Love it love it~

I'm thinking about making some change around my living room. Going to Hobby Lobby for some floral ideas today after class. But guess, you guys don't care except my husband. Cool. Have a good day!

DISAGREE

        Now it's summer semester. Things have been great, just don't really want to read my textbooks. they are just too boring. I haven't figured out how to pass my finals yet, and to be honest, I'm not very concerned. God is going to provide, right:)
        I have been thinking about the "unconditional support". I'm wondering how much real love is actually in there. It appears so easy to be soft and warm to your friends, who are planning on doing something stupid or outrageous. When they sit across the coffee table, puring their heart out, we are supposed to show love and care through our eyes and gestures. Supposedly. The classic line is always: I will support you no matter what... I will always be there if you want to talk. Why can't we just tell them that they are indeed stupid and compulsive? I mean, we do tell our sisters, brothers, spouses, and even parents that, right? Why, suddenly, do we turn to be so harsh and cold? why so different from how you treat your friends?
       My very rational yet extreme understanding is that we'd love to play "cool" in our life when cool and nice can work to increase the admiration and love from our social group, which miraculously feeds our own ego. We all know that we won't live with the consequences coming with our friends' decisions for long. We could choose to stay put for a while, then we could go ahead and say: I will always support you like I have always been, but you need to move on... is that the only thing you can talk about when you are with me? aren't there supposed to be more than that? .... Those cards play well all the time.
        However, when we deal with family, we are so practical, real, mean (even) and truthful. We don't care shouting that we don't agree, because we know the ideas being discussed are stupid/ bad; we know if we failed to keep our stance, someone will be in trouble; we know that consequences are not joking; esp, we know very well that WE will be part of the consequences as well.
        So which one is more of love?
        People don't say it much, but they categorize their friends. At least, I do. I don't mind saying "I disagree" to the friends I care, and I wish I can say more.And, you do the same too.
        Love y'all.

Mao’s Last Dancer

          I didn’t get to choose movies for last night, so when I showed up in the living room, the movie has already started. Apparently, marriage gives wisdom to a man. My husband has come to an understanding that he will never get his way (maybe sometimes) if he always played gentleman. Last night was a great presentation. Oddly, I didn’t complain either. David has been talking about watching this movie for a while, but I didn’t want to. Based on my impression and experience, I assumed that this movie was like any other movies mocking and humiliating the big leader in my country. Someone did make some smart comment on the big leader in this movie. Nothing major, he just simply twisted his last name into a cat’s yawn, which I think it is pretty funny.

       This movie reminded me quite bit of China. I don’t watch too many Chinese movies or TV shows here, except some effort-less pop culture stuff. The little boy’s face brought me back to my time in elementary school. Of course, nothing was as harsh as his environment , but I still wore the little red triangle around my neck every day, and I sat by my desk in the classroom with my arms folded like this too

.

       Such a small person with the firm belief and love for his country never had any idea that he would be given the chance to discover his own heart, most importantly, the opportunity to find his life and define himself as a person with free will! He went through unbearable turmoil for his decision, and his family back in the rural area in China certainly tasted the punishment of the “misplacement” of the priority of the country, even though they had nothing to do with it. He pursued his dream, and he peaked. According to the movie, his family was hanging there without complaining about his decisions. Finally, his parents got to come to Houston, TX to watch him dance. The moment he found that familiar face of his mother, he was stunned! He moved his eyes away because he didn’t believe it was true. It might be just the dreams he has been having for the past 14 years. However, he didn’t wake up this time, instead, the dream started to approach him. Closer and closer, he saw the two teared- up faces standing right there in front of him. The audience started to applaud. Claps and cheers were from everywhere. Our great ballet dancer got down on his knees, weeping silently. When the emotions were calmer, his dad asked sheepishly: why don’t you guys wear a bit more when dance? Can’t say I didn’t see that coming.

          At end of the movie, he and his wife went back to the rural town. To please his mentor who was sent away because his non-communist understanding of art, they started to leap around dancing for them. It is just so great to see them clapping and laughing, probably the only one appreciating the lines and moves is his mentor. I love the scene, and I especially love the very last moment when they stop right there under the flag. the picture for that is this link http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2052948480/tt1071812

         I’m not going to lie, there are a lot of people criticizing him being disloyal to his country, but I, along with many others, believe that only can ideal and loyalty be unified when the basic human respect is paid.

         just have to put a picture of the real person.

My Morning!

It has been a good day today. I literally spent the whole morning on the phone! I know I know, some of the smart aleck, who get to read this post, will probably say: well, isn't that what you do at your job? Well, that too. But the time I spent on the phone was way more fun than my routine; I got to talk to three friends for a long time! They seem to do pretty well for themselves. B's mom said she has prepared a 10-pound fish for me for the upcoming December!! I seriously doubt if David and I can put that lovely 10-pound thingy in our stomach, esp. you know, mine is just too small for that :) S is getting rich! He now has enough to make his house a home! According to him, he can't wait to move out of his parents' house. Do we care? Not really... but wait, the best of part of that is his house will be ready by December, which means David and I will get to stay with him for free! YEAH~ They can't wait for me to go back, and I seriously can't wait to go back to China either! Home, sweet home~ and
FOOD~~
I want to go to Texas for the weekend! A friend is graduating from law school, and the whole family is moving to Houston. My experience with this friend is quite interesting. I threw his computer on the ground in a train station, and I really cussed out loud right in his face. Later he said to me : 骂人是不对的！and I said: 你说的很对.
Gee, what a friendship!
I love my friends!


 

The Cynical Me----full of love

最近很闲。去了一次海滩，吃了很多东西，照了600多张照片。最重要的是，我的春季学期已经结---束----了！！HAPPY!
也许是因为太闲，所以这个深藏的cynical me又开始蠢蠢欲动。唉，就像主说的繁忙是魔鬼，idle也不就是魔鬼来着？叹~

1. 我的年龄。很烦。别人看着我，会觉得我还小。问了之后，才知道我真的是老。但是，在我身边，和我一般老的（不好意思，Crystal~），要不就是有了小孩，开口闭口谈孩子；要不就是忙创业，言谈举止都贼成熟。看看我，觉得什么都尴尬。接触最频繁的还是个比我小6岁的（love love love~）。唉~

2. 属灵成长。好像大部分的属灵学习都是给college students，或者福音朋友。给我这个年纪的学习机会要么是在week day的某个早上，所以年纪相仿的妈妈，主妇们就纷纷然开心地去了。但是殊不知，这个年纪的还有是困在学校的！再叹~

3. 三叹。有些available的学习机会弄得像是60年代向毛主席决志一样...深度没有，紧张度潮爆！我脆弱的神经啊~但是，自己和她们相比，又不够老，既没有说话机会，也没有灵命深度。唉，我多么渴望一个我曾经有过的有深度，灵敏且又活跃的学习小组。

ok. 抱怨结束。谢谢观看！

Chitchat

I am officially done with my school at 8:35 this morning. I thought I would feel so crazily well, but guess what, I didn't scream or jump. I turned in my assignment, and walked out of Hayley Center. There was pre-summer breeze blowing away the hair on my face. It felt so light! The thought of not having school for over two weeks made me feel like the 50-calorie light beer in the commercial----LIGHT!
This is my first April in America. It has been a semi-creepy experience because of the "severe weather". Those tornadoes do not pull people's legs at all. The name is tornado, and once they come, they'll make sure things are torn 了都! There were a couple of times that I seriously felt my poor trailer will be blown up-side-down---God forbidden!
I have been having some allergies, and Peter is even worse. He came home last night with reddish eyes and nose. He just looked so pathetic. However, he is the sad one yet. David is officially down. He showed up in my kitchen with a pretty pitiful face last night, and started to have some temperature later that night. When we woke up this morning, he just sounded like talking in a very big bathroom once he started to talk to me (odd comparison--I know :)). So he decided to stay in bed today.
Hopefully, all these sickness can go away before Friday. I don't want Patrick to get sick while he is with us. Finger crossed! I really want to go with everybody to the gathering on Friday night, but I know I probably need to attend the honor society initiation on campus. Oh well, I will be with them and the baby for the whole weekend anyway. It's all good.
What should I do before summer semester start? umm.... meet with friends, eat, shop, take pictures, chat, sleep...  sounds good! I'm going to Marsh mellow to have lunch with a friend, and I think I will probably order hummus---- yummm!
I just finished talking to a guy on the phone, and I believe that he is drunk. Hilariously, he tried to imitate how I talked; e.g. how can I help you? and I will have to transfer you, OK? ....Funny but kind of creepy.
Alright, enough for chitchat for nothing. Love ya'll~

Cold Play

上次听他们的歌是在2008年，我刚结婚后，开始认真考虑停止工作，真的开始准备来美国的某个星期六。那天和今天一样，天气暗暗的，整个房子里只有我一个人。当CD开始在唱碟机里开始旋转，音乐出来的时候，我就只想躺在凉凉的地板上，看着天花板，回忆自己的青春。
Coldplay陪伴了我最迷茫的post-adolescence。那时的我狂妄也绝望。一头红发，一副大大的墨镜，加上一件蓝色的Northface登山服，旁若无人地暴走在不同的城市间。回想起那时的日子，印象最深刻的就是，当一辆吉普车冲进了北京秀水附近的星巴克咖啡厅时，我的眼睛随着车的方向，却看见了橱窗玻璃中的自己。那是一张洗得发白的印象。我的整张脸被太阳打在墨镜上的光映的看不清面目，一头长长的红头发在太阳下顾自的红，那蓝色的登山服也是狂妄的蓝着。那时的我没有归宿感。不知道家该怎么走。主也像是我在阳光下模糊的面孔，只是可能更加模糊些。
那时的我，工作只是长在自己背上的一颗青春痘，不小心挠到了才突然记起。碰巧那时管我们的一个老教授就像是我的奶奶，我迟到早退，她从来都是兵来将挡，水来土掩。我的那些学生们能够逮上我问一个问题，都是一个学年话题。记得有一个小男孩，很执着，所以我带他出去看了一场电影，据他说，从此他成了整个年级被讨论最多的人。呵呵，都不知道他还记不记得我。
那时23，4岁的我，在武汉待得时间真的是不长，星期五一到，我就一定是在车上，或在飞机场，那时的心很不安宁，我也不愿意一个人面对自己。我不知道圣经中说的peace是个什么概念，或者什么样的人做着什么样的事情才会让我觉得那就是peace的定义。主的grace对那时的我就像是一个传说，听说过，但从来没有尝过。现在想起来，才知道姐姐是很理解我的。她想帮助我逃避我不想面对的现实，即时那意味着她需要时时刻刻在病倒的妈妈身边。那时的我是软弱，不孝的。我不愿意让悲伤沉淀，所以我不停地走，不停地蔑视身边的人和事。这时我才知道，主那时在我的生命中放了很多很多的人，他们不断地给我主的grace，我只是不知道而已。很多的你们可能都不知道，2006年我是追着一个男孩子来了美国。那时我也是才和上一任分开没有4个月而已。因着补偿心理，因着他和我一样，长着一张很迷失的样子。结果我在美国碰到了David。
我一直都很喜欢Cold play。他们让我想我了以前的我，想起了Cosmopolitan,Marie Claire, 瑞丽，想起了Irish coffee. 也让我想起了我们家的那位，想起了姐姐，想起了主对我的安排。Yep, this is a beautiful world.

Trivial Pursue

Wow it has been a month since I blogged. A lot of things have happened. I wish I can have more time to blog, but school for this semester has been stressful and dreadful. Hopefully, it'll get better in the summer...but so far, all the rumors I've heard about summer semester have nothing to do with "better". Oh, well, I'm in school---enough said.
Now let me fill you in with what have happened in the past month.

1. I have some lumps growing at the left side of my neck, and they turned out to be thyroid multiple nodular caused by Hypothyroidism. Not cool. Now I'm on medication. I will get a blood work done in 2 more weeks to see if TSH and T4 have been behaving better. However, the fatigue and memory loss coming alone with this bull dog have me dragging quite a bit. Again, NOT COOL.

2. I hate the diagnosis class. Sometimes I do love it, but when my memory is not helping much, and my energy level is not good enough for what this stupid course demands, sorry, gal, I hate you alright. Just for the record, I'm not going to get 4.0 this semester because of this course.Sign~

3. I got seriously belittled by a mid-easterner at work. He called in in my working hour, and educated me not to call the student ID the banner ID; he also complained that American government didn't care about him; he decided that Financial policy needed reformation because he can't get a monthly stipend based on the current one; he criticized my English because he can't stand accented language;what's worse, he basically told me not to behave like me knowing more than he does, simply because I'm a woman. However, there are some facts you have to know about this person. First, his name is Houssein, the same as the dead dictater in Iraq---Ha, what a coincidence; Second, he is not an American citizen yet, he is here with a Green Card, and yet he complains about the government which is not even his; Third, stipend is only available for the graduate students with assistantship, since you act so smart, how come you, Mr. Big, can't get one with the stipend you want?; Fourth, Gee, his accent is even worse than mine---oh my Gosh!!; The last but not the least, he made me cry, so I'm going to talk you head off Mr!

4. The package I sent back to China to my Dad arrived yesterday. So my sister is all enthusiastic about making the tea and pouring down my Dad's throat, and praying that it'll work on him. So let's all pray together for him, my friends.

5. I had my interview for my practicum and internship. However, the site I did my interview with is too popular. It only offers 3 spots, but there are 5 of us waiting. FYI, other sites basically accept you if they interview you, no suspension whatsoever. Finger-crossed friends, pray hard!

6. David is at the retreat right now. He will be there till Sunday night. Peter is leaving tomorrow (Friday) to his orientation for his summer job. Oh boy, home alone~not gonna lie, I miss my husband already!

7. My friend, Carolyn, is pregnant with her second baby. Yah for Patrick. So he doesn't have to play with his boring Daddy all the time anymore :)

8. I went shopping. I love shopping! I wish I can go to do more shopping real soon~ I wish my shoes will still be there waiting for me to bring them home!

9. I went to see a dentist. Dental care is so expensive in America. And, big news, my dear friends, I have THREE cavities! Darn it...

10. I had Rachel and Sarah down in Auburn for a weekend, and we shared a bed for two nights, which was a lot of fun. I love my sisters-in-law!

Well, I think I have pretty much updated what happened in the past month. Read happily my friends, and have a blessed and joyful weekend! Love and hugs!

As a New Immigrant

I really thought about writing in Chinese, but I don't know why it seems harder and harder for me to come up with stuff to say when I'm trying to organize everything in Chinese. It is so pathetic. My English is still a mess, yet I'm losing my ability of writing in Chinese at the same time. It does remind me of a name of a movie, which is No Country For Old Men. Sometimes I feel confused about my standing, in bad days, the so-called "cross-cultural" will be worsened so much that it almost feels like ostracism. I don't know which country is more a home or a sense of security. In times like this, I will start wondering if it will be better for me to make a once-for-all change. Yet almost immediately, I will realize how stupid it is for me to attempt to change something purely psychological by swapping a passport. So I would just say "no country for Grace" under my breath, then chuckle quietly. 

In an nutshell, it is hard to be a new immigrant. There are so many variables coming with moving from a more familiar place to a new environment. If you move from a more developed and richer location to a less expensive and less developed area, you wouldn't be financially stressed out, but still you will be concerned about the sanitary standard, the food, and the local security, as you can tell, enough to create some mental stress. However, indisputably, there is going to be way more stress the other way around.

Finance will be the first. Last year, it was tight for me, and our situation made me miss my home country quite a bit. But, you know what, I was not alone. Human beings can somehow always find a way to make their life better. I laughed really hard when I heard one lady went to dumpsters in her city to pick out abandoned furniture daily and sent them to local thrift stores, so that she can accumulate enough to reduce the tax her husband had to pay. I remember I shook my head and said "unbelievable"; some people couldn't afford to pay for the expense for keeping pets in their apartments, they simply chose to hide their pets in their apartments, and only took those poor creatures out for a walk when the apt manager was out; some of the business owners decided to hire illegally for cheaper costs, and there were always people willing to do so because they needed the money;... yes news of such is plenty, and news of such has permanently formed numerous reputation, assumption and impression. 

I feel sad and I blush. But I think I understand it a little bit more these days than before. An article I read before helped me very much. It said the reason our people or people from mainland were more aggressive was that there was lack of sense of security already even they were back in their homeland, so they had to be aggressive to keep what they had or what they deserved to have. So here is a good question: how would they feel once moving to a totally new environment where they are not the majority or priority anymore?

Of course, this is not an excuse for why they behave this way or what they have done.

 It is time to file tax again. I have heard from some of the students regarding how much money they got back from American government this year, and comments on that as well. These comments are: Of course I need to get this much back, the dumb American in my lab, so dumb, he got even more than I did; or, Of course they need to give me more back…I’m so poor; etc.

My point is when people feel insecure and out-of-place, all they can think of is to satisfy their own desire by any means. They will be aggressive, rude and inconsiderate. Plus, it is definitely not helping at all if the environment is totally ignorant about the new immigrants. I got one person asking me if we still use coal to keep warm and cook the other day.

Yes there are reasons to explain their behaviors. But that does not say it is OK for them to behave this way. We can pray, and God can change everything. Of course, we can always start from ourselves. We are the image of our own country. It always takes only one at a time to make a huge difference.  

The Music I liked since I was in College

This one is my all-time favorite, but because it is really old, I can't find the original version. Still, it touches me.

Such and Such

        I posted a blog two days ago, and some of my friends are disturbed. Some of them checked in with me through messages, and some, to be more specific, D hollered at me to get on facebook. She sent me a message through Live Chat with the intention of initiating a date with me, which I think is sweet; yet, 11/2 seconds later, she quoted "I would, once a while,  doubt the friendship or how much they actually need me in their life if I have to initiate most of the get-together/ activities most of the time." in her following message. Reading the message, I thought to myself that it looked awfully familiar, then I realized it was straight out of my own blog! "Oh my Gosh!" was my first reaction, then the second one was "ha guilt-driven works!"
         To be frank, I felt bad to have my friends all worked up, but I was happy (please forgive me!) that they cared! Well, just so you know that I'm totally fine. Everybody has some off color thoughts even just for half a second. I know I do. Since I'll keep you guys around for a life time, I'd better be honest with how I feel, right? Alrighty, enought for that.
         Let's talk about something fun. I received a phone call today in the office. A mother tried to figure out how much her daughter, a senior in AU, was going to get for the upcoming Fall. First of all, it was a stupid question---she'll get the same amount of money as this semester and last semester, and she was informed! Somehow, she thought SHE calling would make a difference----see, another Grandiose Type of Psychotic Disorder (don't laugh Peter.); Second, she was unpleased because she was told that her precious little girl was not given anymore funding, though she thought that girl was OUTSTANDING (go get scholarship then.. duh!); Third, she asked me what an aggregate loan was, and I was puzzled, since it was my first time to hear this term. Then I want to our school webpage where she claimed seeing the loan, here is the link, please check it out! Stroll down to the middle session of the screen.    http://www.auburn.edu/administration/business_office/finaid/types-of-aid/loans.html
       I was floored! I tried to tell her it was not a new loan at all, I even thought about defining what aggregate was in English or,rather, Southern for her. Yet, guess what she said? She said: I want to talk to someone who knows more, you don't seem to know much. This morning, I was tormented by reading Cyclothymic Disorder, Bipolar with melancholic features, with seasonal pattern and so on and so forth. When she called,  I was in the mood of, either, diagnosing someone, or screaming out some words usually bleeped out by TV censor. So I simply said "yes ma'm", and put her on hold, and yelled out: there is a crazy on the phone, who wants her?, then put her off the hold, with a nice and courteous tone of voice, I said: Ma'm you are on the line with .... Done.
       You know what, I'm not surprised at all to see why in the world that senior girl can't get a scholarship. It's pure genetic, isn't it?
        Enough venting, don't think I'm a bad person. Love y'all~

the end of February

     It does seem like I have given up on blogging... well, sorry about that.
     I guess I have to be burden-free in a way to be able to write. Writing for me is a leisure, which I enjoy while I feel relaxed. I used to keep a journal throughout all the years, then I stopped after I got married. Probably communicating with my dear husband is too exhausting----which, David, you know it's not true :)
     There has been a lot of stuff going on after my previous blog. I began to form a more clearly picture God made for me. He is asking BIG from me, and of course, David as well. I'm not going to lie, I do feel stressed out. Lat week, I would go to bed around 10, and still feel so tired and depressed when I woke up around 7:30 in the morning. Nothing was refreshing enough. Indisputably, I can easily become the next Qiongyao crying star if I had the access to that dramatic writer and couldn't care less how stupid I would be.
     But, hey, I'm blogging again, am I? So life hasn't been too bad. I went to Dillard's the other day. One thing so so great about America is that they have sales all the time. No joking! So I went there to shop. I got a belt, and I wore it to church the past Sunday morning---of course, with other clothing as well :) I think it's pretty. Even though none of my friends mentioned it... stinkers.
     Some of you might've known this already---I'm applying an assistantship. It'll be nice to get the tuition covered and paid monthly as well. To be honest with you guys, I have never felt I needed money so much, not even last year when we just moved to America. So whoever gets to read this, please pray for me.
     Friends have always been a huge part of me. But sometimes they do break my heart. I would, once a while,  doubt the friendship or how much they actually need me in their life if I have to initiate most of the get-together/ activities most of the time. Guess I feel insecure. But I'm more than happy with my choice of friends, and I'm more than certain the friends I have right now are going to be the friends of a life time.
  

Just in case some of you thought I've abandoned my site ...

        It has been a while since my previous post. I thought about posting a Chinese one, but I just happened to have time in the office.Oh well.
        Life has been busy. I found myself spending a lot of time reading my diagnosis textbook this semester, because my professor insist in giving quiz every week, and I'm going to take it in one hour and 15 minutes. I don't know why I'm feeling hectic right now. Probably because I know I want to finish this post as soon as possible, but at the same time, I'm afraid it might turn into something meaningless.
        I haven't given too much thinking on assistantship since I started school, but it got me wired up to this direction since Sunday. I prayed for it these days as well, I believe it is an opportunity God gives to me, and now it totally depends on if I'm going to work on it. Unfortuately, I was told by my husband a plan made by our acquaintences, and I was shocked. Even though I knew the plan probably won't get carried out, still it stirred up quite bit dirt. The past few days, when I woke up in the morning, somehow my mind would kind of ponder around that idea for a second or so, then I would hear myself signing. Isn't it amzing to see what an impact someone might have on your life? or pathetic?
       When I was on the bus this morning coming to campus, I prayed about it looking at trees and buildings by the said of the road. He knows what I think, what I want and what I fear. He seems so much more reliable and inviting when your hands and feet are tied up. Fearless.

Happy New Year.. I guess

         It is the Chinese New Year Eve today in America. So I called several people back in China after I sat down in the office this morning. It was all good, but I think I'm a little bit homesick right now.
         I feel hurt by my sister. She is a very nice person, yet she'll turn into a cold and indifferent creature if she is dissatisflied with me. I called her this morning too to wish her a happy new year, hoping to get a warm and cozy feeling from her since it is the special season of this year, and she is my sister. The phone call was simple and short. I asked, she answered; I said "happy new year, and wish you'll have a good one", she said "en.."; I paused, thinking she might remember what she could've/ should've said to me, none came through from the other end of the line.
        So that was pretty much it. I said goodbye; I hang up the phone.
         I sincerely feel the loneliest season for me is always those speical Chinese holidays since I moved to America. No matter how many friends I might seem having, every langh and joy just somehow fades away gradually in those few days throughout a year. In those few days, I don't feel at home here, I feel lonely even though David is with me every step of the way.
        When I was younger, I didn't realized one day I would feel what my mom or other older people used to feel. I thought I would be just fine by myself. Now, I have God, and I have a great husband, yet I still feel the sadness and uncertainty, how about those without either?
        Luckie(a dog) and I are very much alike. We both like meeting a lot of people at one time, the subcortical centre somehow senses and sends out the excitement of fun; we both like going out, the unpredictable fun is way too inviting. She probably feels pretty lonely and meybe even sad in the dog's holidays, if they actually have any. I don't like to indulge and appreciate the aroma and happiness from memories, because comparison hurts the moment, and I want to be in the moment.
       when I first started typing this blog, I thought it was going to be a sad one, but now... I don't even know what it's turned out. Sorry folks. Happy New Year people, and don't have too much fun. 

My Conspiracy to Get Gifts

        I love gifts. One of my love languages is giving and receiving gifts. According to the book Five Love Languages, if I didn't receive any gifts for a long time, my love units for gifts will be half empty or just simply empty. David hasn't gotten me any gifts for a while, and because of the ridiculous diet we are doing right now, we haven't gone on a date in some nice restaurants for approximately 21/2 weeks already!! So the alert was on, and I was CRANKY.
        It was raining yesterday, and I didn't have waterproof shoes to deal with weather of this kind. We could've driven to school, but the extremely limited parking didn't even get that idea out of my mouth. So my shoes were all wet along with my socks and toes by the time I got to the office. Knowing how I am, you'll probably say: Gee, she must've complained! Knowing who actually get to read my blogs, I will say: that is right! I did, and David, who looked at me with his mild blue/green eyes, simply said in a loving and caring tone: awwww... I'm sorry.
        Before I go on with my personal life, there is one fact you need to know about me. I am outspoken. If I wanted something from my friends, I would always present my desire in a straight forward manner. I do that to my husband occasionally, but most of the time, I'd like to imagine him as a little worm living happy-ever-afterly  in my stomach, so he is supposed to know what I want or think as easily as snapping your fingers. Well, there are so many things we all want to have, but only few of them can be granted the ownership. Apparently, him as a worm is not in my possession.
        I was not happy yesterday.
        This morning, when we were waiting for the school bus by the road, it was freezing cold. I felt my toes were about to fall off. So when he approached me for some intimacy, I gave him a pretty dirty look, and groaned: my toes are cold. He looked down on my shoes, and looked up with a puzzled look on his face. He was probably wondering: you have shoes on your feet, why cold then?-----speechless. Our morning routine is he walks me to my office building every morning, and we hug goodbye, and kiss as well. Since I was upset with my cold toes and with his blindness, I didn't hug him, don't even mention kisses before I walked into the building. Yeah... I know, I'm not very nice...some time.
       My day didn't go very well, I was somehow neurotic and tired. Part of me knew that I didn't act right towards my husband. By the time I got back home from school, guess who was there in the kitchen? David! He was all mysterious when he saw me stepping in the door. And I just simply thought he was weird. He told me to sit on the couch with eyes closed after I dropped my school bag on the chair, I was suspicious, but, due to what I did to him, I did without whining. Guess again, what did he put in my hands? A box! My first response was: CHOCOLATE! (see what the diet has done to me!) It was a pair of hiking boots! "Waterproof!" He added after he saw the look on my face. Of course I was happy, but at the same time, I was feeling guilty, ashamed and somewhat conspiratorial... but again, hey, I got a gift!! My love units are instantly over flowing, and I'm happy again.
      Ha what a story!

The Ultimate Weakness

     How do we define weak/weakness? I went on google.com and got a very detailed definition, the link is http://www.yourdictionary.com/weak . There are a lot of different ways and interpretations of "weak", and two of them echoed what I have had in mind: 

1. lacking in strength of body or muscle; not physically strong; lacking vitality; feeble; infirm 
2. lacking ruling power, or authority: a weak government;  having few resources; relatively low in wealth, numbers, supplies, etc.: the weaker nations  

I don’t like to be weak. I don’t mind telling people that I am weak, because I know I am; for example, I can’t run very long; I can’t cook as well as other people do; The new diagnosis textbook is very difficult, so I usually spend 40 minutes looking up new words; and/or I’m poor, there are so many things out there I can’t afford, so most of the time, I always go for the sale. So I do tell people these things, not all at one time, of course; but the thing I wouldn’t do is repeat it over and over. I do know that once is enough for most people, and repetition always does way more than what you want, negatively, to other people, and to yourself.

There are two words to describe people who are weak but still put up a happy face and strong spirit to shine in the world, they are: good attitude. God loves them too. God wants us to be weak. He’d like to see us depend on and pray to Him like little children. Children are weak; they need a lot of assistance in their life, and they are not afraid of showing how much they need Him. However, He is not going to be pleased to see us pleading and advocating that we are weak on our knees all the time. The ultimate weakness from Him is that we know we are weak but still act out as strong in faith and in action. Because He knows very well that He has given us so much for us to enjoy with the joy He has granted for us only.   

      I don’t like to go about flaunting my weakness. Personally, knowing myself as weak and being able to overcome my weakness is my way to keep my eyes on Him and rejoice in the victory.                                       

1/18 and 1/19

I have been feeling pretty bad back pain since I got out of bed this morning. I am still tired, and you know what, I look tired too. I hate that. I especially hate it when everybody around campus is all hair-shinny, big shoes-clicking and fashioned with makeup, yet I'm in my sweatpants and sneakers with big puffy bags under my eyes...Yikes!
I had a tough class yesterday. That teacher is very serious about his teaching, which totally reflects on how many pages he SUGGESTS we read before next class throughout the semester, and how much favor pop quiz has found in his eyes. Yep. Yikes!
I finally made up my mind to go to gym after class yesterday, and kind of decided I will do that every week from Tuesday to Thursday. So I walked there yesterday afternoon. But I was stuck right outside of the gym talking to people on the phone for over an hour. Like what you guys have expected, I didn't end up going in there to sweat a bunch, instead, gained a headache from standing in the cold with my jacket unzipped. Yikes!
Most of the time when I'm in the office, I just mind my own business. Once a while, I'll crack a jok or two. I was doing any of those yesterday, I was just eating my blueberries and cashews. Just like anybody else, eating sometimes is boring, so I decided to make a statement to support one of my office mates, who flaunted his pizza when everybody else was hungry. I said " I just finished my blueberries, now I'm going to attack my nuts!". It might just be my imagination, but somehow I sensed an unusual silence for a second or two, then Chris, the guy sitting next to my cubic, cleared his throat: ye, as long as you are not going to attack my nuts... that would hurt! Immediately, the rest of the people in the room was like set free from a spell, laughing, clapping and shaking their heads. Everybody said "Grace, Grace" coming to my station with a look of saying "bad child". Nuts? People！Yikes！  

Hurt

      Hurt 

           Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way 




      I found myself crying when I was watching this video. I could've chosen to press down my emotion, and kept the superficial calmness , even though the storm deep down was drowning me. I chose to cry. It is sad to see someone burning out his whole life creating pain for everybody, and then realize all the pain is actually his. It is really sad to see myself and many others guarding the "empire of dirt" even at the cost of others. 
     I know most of people will cheer over someone's late repentance. Assumably, they will feel the most wonderful peace they've been seeking all those years and still yet not to be found until the moment. But how about the pain of knowing the facts?how about the struggles of accepting the despicable self? Is ignorance a true blessing? I dare not to carry on my thoughts.
     I have pretty good imagination, which is a curse sometimes. I can see him repeating what Johnny Cash sings in his song on his knees, hurting and heartbreaking, yet I look away.

上班最后的45分钟

       我从昨天第一次很认真的想了再开部落格，到现在开始码字，都一直在怀疑自己会不会坚持。D是有韧性的人，一直不停的写。偏偏我已有的空间又有登录限制，她也有时抱怨我怎么不开blog。其实我也有不停写的时候，但是我的热情通常是消失很快的。不过，还好，只是对事物和事情而已。

        今天是放假回来上班的第五天。自己平时都很怕吃苦，但是这一次决定多工作些。说实话，一天5个小时真的是很多！幸亏，今天是星期五，再过34分钟，我就可以回家好好休息，或者想干什么就干什么了。

        最近在老公的强逼下，也在自己的半推半就下，我们开始了diet。真的很难！！之前没有觉得不吃甜食有多么的艰难，但是...真的很辛苦！！加上之前，我扮乖巧地跟大卫说，我们做sweet fast for Brian 好不好，他当然说好。但这样一来，就骑虎难下了！！每当我，就像昨天，在家大吼说要吃巧克力蛋糕加frosting时，他就很冷静地看着我，说，dessert and friend, which is more important?我就一下像是泄了气的气球，嘴唇抽搐抽搐，但就是说不出来。但是真的很想吃巧克力。昨天还和他debate说dark chocolate 不是甜食来着。唉，回过头想想，觉得自己也是很荒谬。

       好了，准备下班.