My Conspiracy to Get Gifts

        I love gifts. One of my love languages is giving and receiving gifts. According to the book Five Love Languages, if I didn't receive any gifts for a long time, my love units for gifts will be half empty or just simply empty. David hasn't gotten me any gifts for a while, and because of the ridiculous diet we are doing right now, we haven't gone on a date in some nice restaurants for approximately 21/2 weeks already!! So the alert was on, and I was CRANKY.
        It was raining yesterday, and I didn't have waterproof shoes to deal with weather of this kind. We could've driven to school, but the extremely limited parking didn't even get that idea out of my mouth. So my shoes were all wet along with my socks and toes by the time I got to the office. Knowing how I am, you'll probably say: Gee, she must've complained! Knowing who actually get to read my blogs, I will say: that is right! I did, and David, who looked at me with his mild blue/green eyes, simply said in a loving and caring tone: awwww... I'm sorry.
        Before I go on with my personal life, there is one fact you need to know about me. I am outspoken. If I wanted something from my friends, I would always present my desire in a straight forward manner. I do that to my husband occasionally, but most of the time, I'd like to imagine him as a little worm living happy-ever-afterly  in my stomach, so he is supposed to know what I want or think as easily as snapping your fingers. Well, there are so many things we all want to have, but only few of them can be granted the ownership. Apparently, him as a worm is not in my possession.
        I was not happy yesterday.
        This morning, when we were waiting for the school bus by the road, it was freezing cold. I felt my toes were about to fall off. So when he approached me for some intimacy, I gave him a pretty dirty look, and groaned: my toes are cold. He looked down on my shoes, and looked up with a puzzled look on his face. He was probably wondering: you have shoes on your feet, why cold then?-----speechless. Our morning routine is he walks me to my office building every morning, and we hug goodbye, and kiss as well. Since I was upset with my cold toes and with his blindness, I didn't hug him, don't even mention kisses before I walked into the building. Yeah... I know, I'm not very nice...some time.
       My day didn't go very well, I was somehow neurotic and tired. Part of me knew that I didn't act right towards my husband. By the time I got back home from school, guess who was there in the kitchen? David! He was all mysterious when he saw me stepping in the door. And I just simply thought he was weird. He told me to sit on the couch with eyes closed after I dropped my school bag on the chair, I was suspicious, but, due to what I did to him, I did without whining. Guess again, what did he put in my hands? A box! My first response was: CHOCOLATE! (see what the diet has done to me!) It was a pair of hiking boots! "Waterproof!" He added after he saw the look on my face. Of course I was happy, but at the same time, I was feeling guilty, ashamed and somewhat conspiratorial... but again, hey, I got a gift!! My love units are instantly over flowing, and I'm happy again.
      Ha what a story!

The Ultimate Weakness

     How do we define weak/weakness? I went on google.com and got a very detailed definition, the link is http://www.yourdictionary.com/weak . There are a lot of different ways and interpretations of "weak", and two of them echoed what I have had in mind: 

1. lacking in strength of body or muscle; not physically strong; lacking vitality; feeble; infirm 
2. lacking ruling power, or authority: a weak government;  having few resources; relatively low in wealth, numbers, supplies, etc.: the weaker nations  

I don’t like to be weak. I don’t mind telling people that I am weak, because I know I am; for example, I can’t run very long; I can’t cook as well as other people do; The new diagnosis textbook is very difficult, so I usually spend 40 minutes looking up new words; and/or I’m poor, there are so many things out there I can’t afford, so most of the time, I always go for the sale. So I do tell people these things, not all at one time, of course; but the thing I wouldn’t do is repeat it over and over. I do know that once is enough for most people, and repetition always does way more than what you want, negatively, to other people, and to yourself.

There are two words to describe people who are weak but still put up a happy face and strong spirit to shine in the world, they are: good attitude. God loves them too. God wants us to be weak. He’d like to see us depend on and pray to Him like little children. Children are weak; they need a lot of assistance in their life, and they are not afraid of showing how much they need Him. However, He is not going to be pleased to see us pleading and advocating that we are weak on our knees all the time. The ultimate weakness from Him is that we know we are weak but still act out as strong in faith and in action. Because He knows very well that He has given us so much for us to enjoy with the joy He has granted for us only.   

      I don’t like to go about flaunting my weakness. Personally, knowing myself as weak and being able to overcome my weakness is my way to keep my eyes on Him and rejoice in the victory.                                       

1/18 and 1/19

I have been feeling pretty bad back pain since I got out of bed this morning. I am still tired, and you know what, I look tired too. I hate that. I especially hate it when everybody around campus is all hair-shinny, big shoes-clicking and fashioned with makeup, yet I'm in my sweatpants and sneakers with big puffy bags under my eyes...Yikes!
I had a tough class yesterday. That teacher is very serious about his teaching, which totally reflects on how many pages he SUGGESTS we read before next class throughout the semester, and how much favor pop quiz has found in his eyes. Yep. Yikes!
I finally made up my mind to go to gym after class yesterday, and kind of decided I will do that every week from Tuesday to Thursday. So I walked there yesterday afternoon. But I was stuck right outside of the gym talking to people on the phone for over an hour. Like what you guys have expected, I didn't end up going in there to sweat a bunch, instead, gained a headache from standing in the cold with my jacket unzipped. Yikes!
Most of the time when I'm in the office, I just mind my own business. Once a while, I'll crack a jok or two. I was doing any of those yesterday, I was just eating my blueberries and cashews. Just like anybody else, eating sometimes is boring, so I decided to make a statement to support one of my office mates, who flaunted his pizza when everybody else was hungry. I said " I just finished my blueberries, now I'm going to attack my nuts!". It might just be my imagination, but somehow I sensed an unusual silence for a second or two, then Chris, the guy sitting next to my cubic, cleared his throat: ye, as long as you are not going to attack my nuts... that would hurt! Immediately, the rest of the people in the room was like set free from a spell, laughing, clapping and shaking their heads. Everybody said "Grace, Grace" coming to my station with a look of saying "bad child". Nuts? People！Yikes！  

Hurt

      Hurt 

           Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way 




      I found myself crying when I was watching this video. I could've chosen to press down my emotion, and kept the superficial calmness , even though the storm deep down was drowning me. I chose to cry. It is sad to see someone burning out his whole life creating pain for everybody, and then realize all the pain is actually his. It is really sad to see myself and many others guarding the "empire of dirt" even at the cost of others. 
     I know most of people will cheer over someone's late repentance. Assumably, they will feel the most wonderful peace they've been seeking all those years and still yet not to be found until the moment. But how about the pain of knowing the facts?how about the struggles of accepting the despicable self? Is ignorance a true blessing? I dare not to carry on my thoughts.
     I have pretty good imagination, which is a curse sometimes. I can see him repeating what Johnny Cash sings in his song on his knees, hurting and heartbreaking, yet I look away.

上班最后的45分钟

       我从昨天第一次很认真的想了再开部落格，到现在开始码字，都一直在怀疑自己会不会坚持。D是有韧性的人，一直不停的写。偏偏我已有的空间又有登录限制，她也有时抱怨我怎么不开blog。其实我也有不停写的时候，但是我的热情通常是消失很快的。不过，还好，只是对事物和事情而已。

        今天是放假回来上班的第五天。自己平时都很怕吃苦，但是这一次决定多工作些。说实话，一天5个小时真的是很多！幸亏，今天是星期五，再过34分钟，我就可以回家好好休息，或者想干什么就干什么了。

        最近在老公的强逼下，也在自己的半推半就下，我们开始了diet。真的很难！！之前没有觉得不吃甜食有多么的艰难，但是...真的很辛苦！！加上之前，我扮乖巧地跟大卫说，我们做sweet fast for Brian 好不好，他当然说好。但这样一来，就骑虎难下了！！每当我，就像昨天，在家大吼说要吃巧克力蛋糕加frosting时，他就很冷静地看着我，说，dessert and friend, which is more important?我就一下像是泄了气的气球，嘴唇抽搐抽搐，但就是说不出来。但是真的很想吃巧克力。昨天还和他debate说dark chocolate 不是甜食来着。唉，回过头想想，觉得自己也是很荒谬。

       好了，准备下班.